Fear not, Gentle Reader. I come to bury the Ohio Conception Begins at Erection Act, not to praise it. When a couple of humorless “abortion uber alles” Democrats get up on their horses and propose a bill like this, even in jest, the laughs must flow!
As a general rule, the overarching subject – the defense of human life, including unborn human life – isn’t terribly funny. But with our friends Tristan Rader and Anita Somani of the Ohio legislature to goose us, we can have a little fun.
First batch of questions: How does the Act treat wet dreams? Are they to be deemed punishable by a $10,000 fine? Is there an age threshold, so that teenagers needn’t feel threatened by the no-doubt ruthless enforcers of the Act? If not, who will see to its enforcement, our boys’ parents? Will they be compensated for the service? If not, wouldn’t it constitute a “taking” under federal law?
Second batch: Is there a knowledge exemption? I mean, if I really did intend to impregnate my paramour, but was unaware that she was on the Pill, am I still liable for prosecution? How about if I’m ignorant of the mechanics of conception and thus believe that it’s perfectly feasible to conceive a baby by whacking off? And what about if she exercises her sovereign privilege of “my body, my choice,” and applies a “morning after” remedy?
Third and last: What about rape? According to contemporary beliefs, it’s perfectly possible for a woman to rape a man. Is he, the innocent victim of sexual coercion, to be prosecuted for the discharge that follows? And what about the case of the man who is unaware that his paramour is a “transwoman:” i.e., a former man? Well, perhaps we shouldn’t examine that case too closely, but I’m sure the “members” of the Liberty’s Torch audience get the idea.
Why aren’t these vital questions being debated nonstop in courts, legislatures, and law schools across the land? When a bill of such gravity is proposed, surely it deserves the most concentrated attention from our jurists and legal scholars. No doubt it’s already engaged the attention of the Supreme Court, so why haven’t we heard from them yet? All those Catholics in black robes, I mean, really!
Forgive me, Gentle Readers. I’m laughing too hard to continue. Have a little music for lagniappe:
1 comment
I think of “Portnoy’s Complaint” in which upon learning that every one of his sperm was a possible Jew, considered himself the Adolf Eichmann of his block.