Conversations

     Breathes there a man who isn’t instantly and near-terminally irritated by cold-call salesmen? If anything it’s worse when the caller is selling something you don’t need, never have needed, and never will need barring an act of Congress or God. The impulse to shriek something obscene and slam the phone down can be close to irresistible… though be it said at once, I’ve learned to resist it, having ruined far too many phones already.

     Still, a cold caller can be an occasion for whimsy, as James Veitch has told us. And just a little while ago, one such occurred, and my whimsy switch flipped just like that:

FWP: Hello?
Cold Caller: (in a thick south-Indian accent) Hello, is this Francis?
FWP: Who is this, please?
CC: (insistently) Is this Francis Porretto?
FWP: No, you identify yourself first.
CC: Ah, I’m Roger, and I represent XXX Development, a specialist in mobile app development. Does your business have any need for one?

     I was tempted to do the shriek-and-slam, but it occurred to me that there was another, far more amusing way to cope with this gentleman’s intrusion:

FWP: Actually, I have been thinking about contracting for one. How much experience does your company have? Have you dealt with any really large clients? Say, Fortune 1000 or larger?

     There was a remarkable interval of silence. I think “Roger” might have been overwhelmed by the possibility that he’d caught a “whale.” But he recovered:

CC: Oh yes, we’ve developed apps for many large firms. We guarantee you—
FWP: Never mind that. I need an app that will function globally, as I do business worldwide. Can you produce an app that can cross the carrier differences among the continents?

     Have you ever sensed a surge of pure greed over the telephone? It’s quite an experience.

CC: I think we can help you, Mr.—
FWP: Dr. Porretto, please!
CC: Yes, of course. First, what’s the nature of your business?
FWP: (after a slow count to three) I’m an arms dealer.

     In all candor, Gentle Reader, I expected “Roger” to hang up at that point. But he didn’t:

CC: I see. You sell globally, you said?

     And now for the windup, and the pitch:

FWP: Yes, I broker small arms, armored transports, short-range ballistic missiles and surface-to-air missiles.
CC: … I see. And where are your sales currently concentrated?
FWP: Just now, mostly in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Bangla Desh. I do sell some odd-lots in Sri Lanka, but my volume there is minor by comparison… Hello? Hello?

     I set the phone down gently and smiled. Chalk one up for the home team.